I type a lot about this, and I’m already aware I come off as a hard ass in this regard.
You would have to do something really fucked up, or have repeatedly done fucked-up things, for me to get to the point that I am very fucking upset and angry with you. And you would have to show no sign of ever changing for me to tell you to fuck off forever.
And if you’ve fucked me over badly, then something’s gotta change, or else fuck you forever. And it doesn’t matter how many “I’m sorrys” or “I feel bads” you throw at me if you show no sign of changing.
Dishonesty is a particular trigger for me. It’s really best for you to be honest with me from the start. I can play whatever game you’ve set up to a point, but don’t think I don’t know that something’s up.
I’ve typed this before, but there’s no “undoing” bullshit you’ve done. Apologies are not for that. And that’s what a lot of people do with apologies — try to erase all the bad shit done and try to get things to what they were before. But that would require the person you’ve fucked over to have poor memory.
I might forget my keys, appointments, people’s faces and names, and tasks to do at work, but I almost never forget feelings people give me. And I’m learning to get better and better at recognizing those feelings, something I’ve been bad about before, therefore people fucked me over without me realizing it. But those feelings, even if they don’t have a label, will always be there. And I always remember them for a reason. While it is possible for me to forgive, forgetting is something I’ll never do.
Either you’re sorry and you take responsibility for it, or you don’t and you’re not sorry. And if you’re not really sorry, then okay. Don’t apologize.
And don’t try to convince the other person that you’re sorry just so that you’ll never have to change or take any responsibility — your ego being restored.
Apologies are supposed to be straight-forward, no BS admissions of what you did wrong and show what you need to change. They face the truth of the situation head-on, without any sugar-coating it. And there’s no “getting forgiveness” from anybody. That’s totally up to the person you’re apologizing to. They really don’t owe you shit, btw.
Apologies can help make forgiveness easier, and they can help the person apologizing hold themselves accountable and make sure they change.
And given a genuine apology, relationships do have a possibility of enhancing to something better. But if you severely fucked someone over, they don’t have to take you back. But even if that doesn’t happen, that person will probably be better off without you anyway, and so will you, now that you don’t have anybody to fuck over. You could find other people to fuck over, but you can never change the fact that you’re a sad, weak-minded, lazy asshole, and other people will see that eventually, and you’ll die alone.
And all the people you’ve fucked over will have the last laugh.
I’m not a person who hands out apologies so easily anymore, either. I used to constantly apologize for everything, even things that weren’t my fault. But I learned apologies should mean more than that, and I should only apologize if I’m genuinely sorry. And I need to know what I’m apologizing for before I spout out how “I’m sorry” about something.
So I’m speaking as a person who has given out bad (unnecessary, mostly) apologies and who has received a lot of bad ones.
I have very good reasons why I became such a “hard ass” when it comes to people fucking me over. I accepted a lot of bad apologies from people who just wanted to keep me around and fuck me over repeatedly without complaints. I changed all that and became the hard ass I am today, forever labeled as “bitter” and “full of hate” by the actual bitter, hateful assholes who will never change, so they just project.
I’m not even sorry.
(via biyuti)
