I have been made to feel ugly and unsexy my entire life. My soft body with their abundent stretchmarks, made hypervisible by my brown skin. My hairyness. My bushy eyebrows. My dark skin. Its all unsexy. And I’ve been told this. Even when I try to reclaim my sexuality I am shot down. On more than one occasion I have had strange white men making comments on how repulsive they found me. I was walking downtown in the snowy white part of hamilton when a middle aged white man asked me “what the hell ARE you wearing?!” An experience which made me tear off my fishnets and toss them out when I got home. I feel both invisible and hypervisible. I had my first kiss when I was 19 because nobody wanted to touch me before that.
I don’t feel sexy. Dark brown skin and excessive hariness are qualities praised in men and demonized in women. My features aren’t delicate or light. They’re not pink or dainty. They’re harsh and big and dark. I have a big nose and a fat stomach and massive love handles. An abundance inherited from my mother. I’m hairy. I’m dark. My lips are purple. I feel ugly. I feel unsexy.
I don’t even have the privilege of reclaiming my sexuality because I am not even allowed to have it.